JACUZZI INSTRUCTIONS

You are now at the ripe old age of 60 something and decide on hydro therapy to get rid of the creaking joints, aching muscles and frayed nerves. You therefore install a Jacuzzi in your bathroom planning to have a relaxing soak in the tub while listening to your favorite ghazals as powerful water jets massage your tired body.

Go for it, I recommend it wholeheartedly. It is most likely that the Missus will object strenuously to this ‘wasteful’ expenditure but ignore her. You deserve some luxury. You have earned it.

Installing a Jacuzzi tub in your bathroom is a fairly simple and straight forward procedure. It comes with integral plumbing, pumps and controls and all that is needed is for a plumber to make the water connections and an electrician to connect the wires. The problem is that the manual that comes with the unit is not very comprehensive and does not really address the issue of making the Jacuzzi operational. I have therefore decided to put together detailed, step by step instructions on how the first Jacuzzi experience should be managed in the privacy of one’s home.

  • Jacuzzi tubs are large and can take a long time to fill up.
  • Make sure that you do not wander away after running the bath.
  • At your age you are liable to forget what you started and, should this happen; you will have to contend with a flooded bathroom.
  • The Missus, who has been against the Jacuzzi project from Day One, will lose no time in giving you some completely unnecessary advice on what to do with the Jacuzzi. Apart from being uncalled for, the advice is impossible to execute; hence useless.
  • Ignore her.
  • To get rid of the water in the brimming tub, open the plug valve and let the excess water drain out.
  • Supervise this reduction in water level closely because you need to make sure that you do NOT to let too much water flow out of the Jacuzzi.
  • You need particularly to ensure that none of the jets become exposed.
  • Disrobe and climb into the tub, lie down and press the button that puts the Jacuzzi pump on.
  • If you did not pay close attention to the water level and left some of the nozzles exposed, high pressure water jets will shoot out from the tub in all directions. The entire bathroom will be drenched.
  • Moreover, if you are using your laptop to listen to your favorite ghazals, it will most likely take a direct hit from one of the jets.
  • Do not panic.
  • Do not scramble out of the Jacuzzi, stark naked, trying to save the laptop from being fried.
  • Wet floors are slippery and you can slide on the smooth surface, coming to rest on your posterior with a very heavy thud.
  • Should this happen, your wife will most likely hear the heavy fall.
  • She will rush into the bathroom and see you lying naked, spread unceremoniously on the tiled floor.
  • Remind yourself that women have a peculiar sense of humor. Do not get unduly upset by your wife laughing her head off. Let it pass.
  • Request her to leave the bathroom.
  • Top up the bath water and climb back into the tub. Slide into the warm water, turn the jets on and close your eyes.
  • Lie back and enjoy the wonderful sensation of the jets of water playing across your body.
  • When you feel someone tickling your ears and face, you might assume that the wife has relented and come back to apologize. You will smile and open your eyes to welcome her.
  • Instead of the wife, you shall most likely see yourself surrounded by a huge mountain of foam.
  • This will happen if you put too much foam bath gel into the tub.
  • Take a moment to ponder the fact that a small amount of liquid can generate such a huge mountain of foam.
  • Getting rid of foam in a bathroom is a tedious task but is relatively easy. If done properly and quietly, the wife won’t even find out.
  • If the lights go out due to load shedding while you are in a mountain of foam you might become disorientated.  
  • Do not panic. It is the same as driving in a heavy fog or flying in clouds.
  • Navigate your way to the laptop by feel and auditory means. Home onto the sound of your favorite ghazal. Wipe it clean very thoroughly to prevent the foam from reaching the innards.
  • Take a moment to appreciate the water resistant characteristics of modern laptops.
  • By the time you have cleaned up the foam, the load shedding would most likely have ended.
  • Climb back into the Jacuzzi and this time, instead of lying prone lengthwise, try sitting on the raised platform in the corner of the tub.
  • The base of this seat has a large stainless steel grille which covers the suction inlet of the powerful pump that recirculates the water within the Jacuzzi. Water is drawn in from here and shot out of the jets at high velocity.
  • This pump is really powerful; the suction is quite substantial.
  • Make sure to sit well away from this stainless steel grille.
  • Make doubly sure that you do not have any body parts in the close vicinity of this grille.
  • Anything dangling in its vicinity will be sucked into the powerful vortex of the pump and be forced into the stainless steel grille.
  • Should this happen, it shall cause a series of events to take place in quick succession.
  • Your body shall undergo a powerful recoiling, reflexive action as it seeks to free itself from the vicious suction.
  • You will jump up, pulling your nether parts away from the grille forcibly.
  • At the same time, you will emit a high pitched shriek.
  • As your body emerges from the water, the Archimedes Principle will kick in.
  • With your body no longer immersed in the tub, the water level will drop.
  • The top jets of the Jacuzzi will become exposed.
  • Powerful jets of soapy water will once again shoot across the bathroom in all directions.
  • Your shriek will attract your wife.
  • She will rush into the bathroom and see you stark naked, covered in bath foam, bent over, examining yourself, gently massaging the hurt, lathered area making soft moaning noises.
  • Unfortunately, pain is difficult to see. She won’t see the pain.
  • An amazing look of confusion and disbelief will spread across her face.
  • Women are not very bright. They are strange creatures.
  • They do not understand the male anatomy.
  • Or the Archimedes Principle.
  • They cannot differentiate between moans of agony and those of ecstasy.
  • They also delight in stating the obvious.
  • Of course you are a man. Of course you are old. Of course you are dirty; why else would you be having a bath?
  • She will storm out of the bathroom, screaming this somewhat unnecessary observation at the top of her lungs.
  • Do not be unduly alarmed at her irrational behavior.
  • Gather yourself together and climb out of the tub. Turn the mains switch off, drain the tub, get dressed and proceed quietly to your study, studiously avoiding any eye contact with the wife.
  • Tomorrow is another day. A Jacuzzi bath is great exercise. It’s good for the heart. Where else can you get such a strenuous workout?